Even Dummer Than Before

This latest legal move has made even

Robin Dumolin look like a Rhodes Scholar.

A few years back, I was summoned to the offices of the Psychotic Rev. Bill Duby's personal office on the second floor of cult HQ.  The head psychotic wanted to do some trance work on me, so I would reveal where I had some money hidden.

During the trance session, I recalled hearing the help line ringing... and ringing... and ringing... and continuing to ring with no one picking it up.  After his usual psychic threat "...and every sound you hear will only put you deeper into trance...", Bill got up, tore open the door and screamed "ANSWER THE GODDAMN HELPLINE!!!" then slammed the door so hard, the air in the room swooshed as the door swung.

That's when I realized (in trance, of course) that the Academy for Psychic Studies' Psychic Helpline was a nice little moneymaker.  If they capture a couple of calls a day at an average of about 40 bucks a call, that's a pretty attractive little racket.

So when I saw some information related to the helpline scheme on the gol' darn interweb, I didn't know if I should laugh or just shake my head in disbelief.  So, I chose to make a post.

Just when I thought I saw the dumbest thing the Academy for Psychic Studies could have done, I find something else that is at least as dumb as the dumb move they did previously.

Last time, it was Robin Dumolin's genius move to obtain a trademark on a video product called "Blowing Roses" they weren't able to get anyone to buy and they couldn't make available on the format people really wanted.  She paid $600 to protect the trademark on something that they hadn't sold for a while and no one was interested in buying anymore.

This time, the corpulent walking turd who comprises the cult's only brain-dead hit man, administrative whipping boy and poster child for all that is wrong at the Academy for Psychic Studies ran this one through.

It's a Service Mark application for "The Psychic Helpline®".

Take a look at this:

Located elsewhere is the price they paid for this mess.  It's about the same 600 bucks they wasted on "Blowing Roses".  

I thought the advertisement they sent in to the USPTO pretty well represented this disgusting product:

Don't worry, your eyes are fine but click to enlarge.

I deleted the phone numbers.

The helpline's phone number, that is...
Hey, did they actually use this advertisement or
did they make it up just for the trademark application?

What makes this effort utterly stupid is something the Academy for Psychic Studies wasn't smart enough to consider when they pulled all their public communication efforts off line.  First, this "psychic helpline" is listed only on one page buried deep within their barren website.  There's no more printed newspaper to advertise in, no radio show to shill on, no cable TV to lie about and no other presence online or otherwise for their 900 number.  The people who would want to call the helpline can't find the fucking phone number until they find that needle in the haystack.  As the needle is a microscopic item in their still-small stack, it's pretty much impossible to find.

Besides, in order to make that service mark of any value, SRF will need to enforce it by chasing down anyone who uses that phrase to describe a different service.  In order to prevail in a legal fight, they would have to show they were distinctive and have a secondary meaning.  Unfortunately for SRF, the USPTO has determined "The Psychic Helpline®" does not have the requisite distinction - and listed them on the "Supplemental Register" not the "Principal Register".  The Supplemental Register gives them some protection but really no more than an ordinary copyright would have provided - which can be had for free and without the arduous process of applying for trademark status.  The Principle Register gives full trademark protection - but only if your trademark meets the rigorous requirements of the USPTO.

If they were aware of the requirements for trademark protection, they would have to call it: "The Spiritual Rights Foundation's 24 Hour Psychic Helpline" or some other title no one else would be using.  That would make it distinctive and therefore protectable.  "The Psychic Helpline®" is so generic, you'd have a really hard time enforcing your trademark, so a trademark effort for "The Psychic Helpline®" would be a waste of time and money.

That's not just my opinion.  If you look at the trademark grant from the USPTO, it's clear the Spiritual Rights Foundation's trademark is not distinctive.

As usual, SRF's attempts to dominate in the legal arena have failed and they have fallen flat on their faces while the money they spent is blown away in the wind.  Only the Witches of Ellsworth Street can accomplish a disaster while taking a posture they have triumphed.  It's the Dunning-Kruger effect all over again.  

Second, who's left to answer the goddamn helpline?  Do you really think that Fred Flintstone guy will arise from his beauty sleep to pick up the helpline?  Would the Psychotic Pillsbury Doughboy spend the night on the second floor of the psychotic HQ so he can answer a call?

And who's going to stay on the line and drop the average $35 bucks per call when either of them answer the phone?  Would Robin Dumolin answer the phone instead?  How about Angela Silva?  Maybe they'll press the Golden Child into service?

I think we know the answer to all that.  NO. When a sleepy, grouchy dude reeking of the essential oils he's been playing with growls into the phone or an endomorphic sycophant who talks like a main character in "Dumm and Dummer-er-er" answers, the "click" from the caller will come before they stumble out the second sentence.

And let's be real here: there's no way Robin Dumolin and Angela Silva will want to answer the goddamn helpline.  There's even less chance they'll allow the Golden Child to do it as that constitutes work and work is anathema to the Witches of Ellsworth Street and their offspring.

It's utterly amazing: the Witches of Ellsworth Street will gladly insult their followers and confidants, force people to get far away from them as possible, deliberately allow cash cows to not only lie fallow (like The Psychic Helpline®) and engage in activities that cause the outright destruction of key enterprises (like pissing off ISHI Hypnosis' last remaining instructor and practicing hypnotist) while they believe they and they alone have the advanced psychic skills to be successful businesswomen as they do nothing more than watch Oprah and run in circles.

Nice work, if it lasts.  And from what I'm seeing, it won't last much longer.